Youre Not Healthy Mentally

Our favorite Douchebag is back! If you're not familiar with him, you should definitely see my previous interactions with him before you read this one.

Mr. Douchebag: hola. whatcha been up to?

me: Avoiding you.

Mr. Douchebag: i dunno what the fuck your problem is

me: I don't know what's confusing about statements like "I don't want to talk to you." and "Leave me alone."

Mr. Douchebag: youre not healthy mentally. have a nice night

me: How do you figure? I've told you repeatedly I don't have any desire to even talk to you. And yet you keep messaging me periodically. How does that make ME mentally unhealthy?
Have you ever the heard saying:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I really feel that applies here. But not to me.

Mr. Douchebag: youre just mad because that one girl said youre chubby and you cant get over it 2 years later

me: Hahahaha. Trying to hit below the belt, I see. Not working this time, kiddo. You'll have to find a new button to push. Or you could just bugger off like I've been telling you to do for two years now.

What is with this guy? I only respond now because the conversations are too funny for me not to. I'm a complete dick to him every time but he always shows up every couple of months trying to see if I'm going to play nice.

Introducing Mr. Manipulative

I've got a whale of a tale for you today. Mr. Manipulative is a man from my past, and one of the (many) who made me realize that I do, in fact, attract retards.

I'll preface this email by saying that Mr. Manipulative and I had a very casual "relationship". There was quite a bit of distance between us, but our travel schedules seemed to line us up near each other every so often and we took advantage of these occasions. In between the times we were able to spend face-to-face, Mr. Manipulative and I kept up contact on an almost daily basis. Our relationship was one you might refer to as friends with benefits. It was never more romantic than that, and we both seem contented with this fact.

After about four months of developing what I considered to be a close friendship, I discovered that Mr. Manipulative was married. With a step child.

Upon this new information being brought out, I was immediately very hurt and angry. I was hurt due to finding out that I knew so very little about someone I considered a close friend. One can only assume that a wife and child would be an awfully large part of someone's life, and I had discovered that the entire portion had been completely closed off to me. Meanwhile, I was angry -- no, livid -- at realizing that I had been taking part in someone's adulterous lifestyle without knowing it. I believe that sort of information needs to be disclosed up front so that a potential partner can -- at the very least -- make an informed decision about what sort of situation they're about to get themselves involved in.

I confronted Mr. Manipulative, and he attempted to blame me for "not asking". He tried to tell me that "wasn't part of the agreement", and generally made an ass of himself. Of course, I wasn't having any of it. I rejected all of his ridiculous attempts to pin his issues on me, and the conversation got a bit heated. We ended the interaction, as it was going nowhere. Fast.

A little while later, I received an email. It's quite a trip, so I'm just going to post it mostly unaltered. Names and places have been removed to protect this fucktards family, because I'm sure he's doing enough damage to them on his own. He doesn't need my help. Enjoy:

Here’s the shiz…. Readers digest version

6 yeas ago I was stalked, they stalked me and a woman I had one date with because they needed to stalk a “couple”. They saw us together and decided we fit their mold for victims. When I was out of town at a gig they attacked her and assaulted her BRUTALLY. Afterwards 6 other members of the same family came from across the country to join in the attempts to hurt her, her daughter, and as an afterthought me…all the while emailing me endlessly about how it was my fault…it was all because of me…etc.

That was resolved and members of the woman’s family preyed on my fragile and guilt ridden state and convinced me that the BEST thing I could do would be to marry her, to keep her safe and because I OWED her something nice after all the shit that happened just because she knew me. I said it wasn’t a good idea, that I didn’t love this woman and I don’t think it will be good in the end. But I caved and we got married. I would have left at the wedding if somebody…anybody would have said I could. Not my family, not her family, not my friends. I was ALONE and not in love with the woman I was about to marry, who I barely knew and I was the only one who seemed to care about that.

It took me 3 years before I consented to Therapy. I quit performing. I got a day job. I was doing EVERYTHING everybody else wanted me to do…. NOTHING I wanted to do.

I moved us to {city} for two reasons: The lower cost of living would allow me to LEAVE, and because we where still being harassed on occasion by ANOTHER source.

In OCTOBER of last year, I announced that I was leaving, I wanted to live my life again, have a loving relationship with someone, be the Independent and Confidant man I had not been for years. Finances and the crumbling housing market put that on hold and I remained in the house. One month ago I was about to put a deposit on an apartment, had the money, two checks in hand ready to go MONDAY, only to receive a set of Violent Death threats via email again. SO the last month I have AGAIN shelved my own desires to protect my family.

These things are all true. They are also things I DON’T tell anybody. I don’t tell you to get support, or pity, or to win favor with you…I do it to shed a little light on the following paragraphs:

I never wanted to be married, have never wanted to remain married and often choose not to acknowledge that I am. Both due to the sensitive fact that people have used my wife as a tool to do me harm, and due to the fact that I prefer my life without that stigma. People treat me differently. People assume that MY marriage is the EXACT same, lived by the same rules, by the same social code as theirs will be/is. SO I don’t talk about it. I hide it. I am MORE myself without it. I am the man I want to be without that part of my life exposed.

I don’t deal with it well. I don’t know who to tell an who not to. I don’t mean to deceive. I am selfish and dishonest. I am also filled with feelings I cannot share or show.

Yea. I didn’t tell you. I have no GOOD excuse. My only justification is that I wanted you to be my friend, to like me, to be attracted to me the way I WANT to be, rather than the way I am. It was selfish of me and that just sucks. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to deal with it!

I am EVERY day trying to resolve one issue or another. To move out. To keep everybody safe. etc.

You have a right to be hurt and mad, and your going to do whatever you want to do.

I can’t be the guy YOU want me to be too. I am just this guy, right here, who values your friendships, your flirtations, and cares about you. I fuck up. You don't have to cut me any slack. I meant no disrespect, although I realize and am filled with self disappointment about my obvious lack of respect for this issue to you.

I have no way to end this email.

I don't know that there is anything I need to say about this message. It really stands on it's own, so I will just leave it at that.

Introducing Mr. Bad-boy

Continuing with the trend of insulting messages, I'd like you all to meet Mr. Bad-boy. His profile doesn't make him sound like too much of a jerk. Maybe a bit of a tool, but nothing major. Here's a snippet:

{I} consider myself a down to earth kind of guy who looks for the positives in everybody and every situation. I'm looking for a woman with a heart as big as mine and is honest, to share the same experinces and values that I share.

He's another who has clearly been reading too much from Erik von Markovik and is failing miserably at his tactics.

I think your butt ugly with an attitude. If I was out and saw you I would make you buy me a drink. Tag your it, what you got?

What a bad ass you are! And I'm so glad to see those skills of attempting to find the "positives" in everyone are being put to good use.

Is it sad that the first thing I noticed in this message was the use of "your" instead of the (correct) use of "you're"? Twice?

At least his spelling and punctuation is better than most, though it still leave much to be desired.

Again, I couldn't help but whip up a quick tongue lashing for this guy. I'm really hoping he finds the balls to respond.

Take My Load

Mr. Asshole is really pushing it. He's already back for more:

oh yes you are fisty my little whore.on your knees bitch,suck me now.take my load.

It's rare for me to be left speechless. Quite rare.

I was just about to find my tongue and fire off a rude response, when I noticed that his account has been deactivated. He must of been harassing other women who reported him. Dammit, girls. Why do you have to steal all my fun?

A bit of profile scanning -- prior to the account deactivation -- revealed that Mr. Asshole is some 40-something year old man who life does not appear to have been terribly kind to. He also lists himself as "Christian" on his profile, and uses a quote from the bible to suggest that he is an "Adam" searching for his "Eve". What would Jesus do, you old fuck?

Introducing Mr. Asshole

I've had a large amount of insulting messages lately, and it makes me wonder if there's something specific causing it.

I know women (read: morons) tend to go for the "asshole"s and the "bad boy"s, but they're just getting over the top now.

This is Mr. Asshole's very first interaction to me:

ok bitch,can we be friends,hows that.did i get your attention?do you swallow?

Are you kidding me? How could anyone possibly think that this is a good idea?

Again, what is with the inability to capitalize, punctuate, and just hit the damn space bar? Is it really so hard?

Just for shits and grins, I went ahead and responded to this guy. As you can probably guess, it wasn't a very nice response I sent off. I'm interested to see if anything comes back from it.

Do You Still Hate Me

Mr. Douchebag popped up again, as he does periodically.

We've had short conversations here and there where I ask why he keeps messaging me. I never get any real answers, obviously. It just fascinates me that he continues to pop up.

Also, something worth mentioning is that his screen name is constantly changing. I can literally name off at least four screen names he's popped up with over the past year or two. This makes me wonder if he's constantly changing because girls complain about him and get his accounts shut down. I just can't really think of another good reason for constantly changing things up that way.

Mr. Douchebag's message recently was short and to the point:

do you still hate me

A few days later he sends:

i cant believe youre still angry
we cant move on and be friends?
i used to really enjoy talking to you

I'll admit I'm a bit of a grudge holder sometimes, but really? I've made it explicitly clear that I have no interest in sleeping, dating, or even chatting with him. I guess he's going with the "time heals all wounds" school of thought?

Please Consider a Revision

I mention in my profile that I happen to be a fan of metrosexuals. I'm sure you know what I mean, as it's fairly common term these days. I think we can all agree that by calling someone a "metrosexual", we are in no way suggesting that he likes men.

With that being said, I'll share a message I received from a man who will simply be dubbed Retard 8:

A well dressed, well groomed man is a gentleman, not a metrosexual.

A metrosexual man is a neologism term generally applied to heterosexual men with a strong concern for their appearance, and who display many of the lifestyle tendencies of stereotypically homosexual men.

I am well dressed, well groomed, cultured, well traveled, highly educated and no freaking way even close to any form of a homosexual man whatsoever.

What you are referencing my dear is a gentleman ... not a metrosexual/homosexual man.

Please consider a revision.

I didn't bother responding, though I was tempted. The man who sent it is in his mid-forties and just seems to be old and stuck in his ways. And, though it's probably needless to say, I didn't bother revising my profile.

The Wolf of Loneliness

There must have been a full moon or something recently, because the retards have come out in droves lately. So please enjoy a few more generic, one-time messages from recent retards.

Retard 5

ya aint a supermodel why would you make it that hard for someone to talk to you for real babygirl who really needs a clue

This is one of my favorites. Not only can he not spell or punctuate, he thinks it's a good idea to insult me. Thing is, I don't make it hard for people to talk to me. I just tell them to send me messages with some substance. Women on dating sites are inundated with messages. The ones that say nothing more than "what's up" or "you're hot" are almost immediately deleted. On my profile, I encourage people to catch my attention and give me something to actually have a conversation about.

Retard 6

You look like this girl in a porno I watched one time. Did you ever do porno? If so, the scene was with this well hung black man, and he did some crazy anal.
It was very hot.

I laughed out loud when I read this one. You can't make this shit up! But it does make me wonder if this is just a somewhat subtle attempt to find a girl who does anal. I hope so. And even more, I hope he finds a girl this way. Best. Pickup. Line. Ever.

Retard 7

So here I sit, way too early in the day, my stomach is growling but I disagree with it, and I happen across your profile, and I think to myself. I need to talk to more people, take some chances, stuff like that. So here I am writing to you.

I have to say, while I have some of the best friends in the world, and they are amazing help being a single dad and all, there still comes a time, like this morning, where it's quite obvious that it's just not enough. I just want someone to hang out with, to be with, and well, possibly have crazy fun stuff too. I hesitate at times to seek these things with all my heart because I have much on my plate, and because I know my primary job is being there for my son. My hope is to find someone out there (hopefully like yourself) who understands that, and is looking for a really special friendship. Something that may grow into more, or even be special for what it is.

This one starts out well and appears to maybe even be worth responding to! This guy sounds like he has a fairly level head on his shoulders, has his priorities straight, and can even spell and use proper punctuation.

But as we all know, he wouldn't be on this blog if he continued down this seemingly socially adept path. He turns on me all too suddenly and I'm left laughing at the remainder of his message. And not in the good way.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I have hopes, but no expectations, and I seek someone to share warmth with on cold nights when the wolf of loneliness batters at the door of the heart. A good fit, and someone who needs a good friend is what I seek. A want a seeker of happiness, kindness, affection, pleasure, honesty. Beyond friendship, the rewards could be beyond the dreams of avarice when the time is right, and friendship ripens.

Perhaps it is time to take a chance, yes?

No. No, it is not time to take a chance, sir. Does this man write bad romance novels for a living? Scratch that, I'm pretty sure all romance novels are bad romance novels.

Generic Retards

I've been off the scene for a while, so not interacting with retards nearly as much as I used to. I thought I'd throw down a few one-shotters for you.

All of the following messages are placed here in their entirety. And please know that they were all first time, unsolicited messages from men who happened to see my profile and thought it was a good idea to message me.

Retard 2

hi im mark sorry about no pic no worries im good looking

Retard 3

You look like you'd be a great mom...Mitch

Retard 4

whats up im colt. who knows maybe the name alone is dif enough for u. um currently im livin in tx. but im about to move back to my home town in {state removed}. im from a little town no one has heard of. well lets see i play the bass, skateboard, and i love art. i draw paint airbrush i do any form of art i can. i have three kids and am just recently single again. im not a actor or any thing but as a bassist i do get the proforming. i like fishing hunting being outside. if u find me interesting enough then let me know something bout u not up top. like things u do for fun. what kind of guy u lookin for. u know just something exsquisit

More to come soon, now that I may be able to find the time.

Introducing Mr. Douchebag

I was recently reminded of a retard from my past, so I dug up a nice little message he sent me a few months ago. We'll call him Mr. Douchebag

I've probably been chatting with Mr. Douchebag for about a year now. He's always been pretty clear and upfront about wanting to sleep with me, which I guess I appreciate.

I have to say I learned some time ago that if you don't go with your gut instincts, you may regret it. And I've learned some tactics on how to weed out the weirdos and complete freaks before I ever make the bad decision of meeting them in person. Mr. Douchebag set off a couple of warning bells for me, so I've never agreed to meet him in person.

Once, after not speaking to him for a month or two, I received this message from out of the blue:

so I met a girl you saw in person. she said your body was disappointing, kinda chunky

I must say that initially I was taken aback and a little hurt. Luckily, I have a little bit of self confidence and some good friends who take care of me.

I couldn't help but respond to such a message. And I asked why he would say such a thing to someone. I believe his response was something about because he was asshole (obviously) and I annoyed him. Again... we hadn't spoken in over a month.

Turns out my gut instincts were correct.

So ladies please take note: if something feels weird, don't just dismiss it. There may be a very good reason you feel weird about someone.

And guys, please also take note: rude, aggressive remarks are. Not. Ok. This is not the way to treat anyone, least of all a girl who's pants you're trying to get into.