Youre Not Healthy Mentally

Our favorite Douchebag is back! If you're not familiar with him, you should definitely see my previous interactions with him before you read this one.

Mr. Douchebag: hola. whatcha been up to?

me: Avoiding you.

Mr. Douchebag: i dunno what the fuck your problem is

me: I don't know what's confusing about statements like "I don't want to talk to you." and "Leave me alone."

Mr. Douchebag: youre not healthy mentally. have a nice night

me: How do you figure? I've told you repeatedly I don't have any desire to even talk to you. And yet you keep messaging me periodically. How does that make ME mentally unhealthy?
Have you ever the heard saying:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I really feel that applies here. But not to me.

Mr. Douchebag: youre just mad because that one girl said youre chubby and you cant get over it 2 years later

me: Hahahaha. Trying to hit below the belt, I see. Not working this time, kiddo. You'll have to find a new button to push. Or you could just bugger off like I've been telling you to do for two years now.

What is with this guy? I only respond now because the conversations are too funny for me not to. I'm a complete dick to him every time but he always shows up every couple of months trying to see if I'm going to play nice.

Introducing Mr. Manipulative

I've got a whale of a tale for you today. Mr. Manipulative is a man from my past, and one of the (many) who made me realize that I do, in fact, attract retards.

I'll preface this email by saying that Mr. Manipulative and I had a very casual "relationship". There was quite a bit of distance between us, but our travel schedules seemed to line us up near each other every so often and we took advantage of these occasions. In between the times we were able to spend face-to-face, Mr. Manipulative and I kept up contact on an almost daily basis. Our relationship was one you might refer to as friends with benefits. It was never more romantic than that, and we both seem contented with this fact.

After about four months of developing what I considered to be a close friendship, I discovered that Mr. Manipulative was married. With a step child.

Upon this new information being brought out, I was immediately very hurt and angry. I was hurt due to finding out that I knew so very little about someone I considered a close friend. One can only assume that a wife and child would be an awfully large part of someone's life, and I had discovered that the entire portion had been completely closed off to me. Meanwhile, I was angry -- no, livid -- at realizing that I had been taking part in someone's adulterous lifestyle without knowing it. I believe that sort of information needs to be disclosed up front so that a potential partner can -- at the very least -- make an informed decision about what sort of situation they're about to get themselves involved in.

I confronted Mr. Manipulative, and he attempted to blame me for "not asking". He tried to tell me that "wasn't part of the agreement", and generally made an ass of himself. Of course, I wasn't having any of it. I rejected all of his ridiculous attempts to pin his issues on me, and the conversation got a bit heated. We ended the interaction, as it was going nowhere. Fast.

A little while later, I received an email. It's quite a trip, so I'm just going to post it mostly unaltered. Names and places have been removed to protect this fucktards family, because I'm sure he's doing enough damage to them on his own. He doesn't need my help. Enjoy:

Here’s the shiz…. Readers digest version

6 yeas ago I was stalked, they stalked me and a woman I had one date with because they needed to stalk a “couple”. They saw us together and decided we fit their mold for victims. When I was out of town at a gig they attacked her and assaulted her BRUTALLY. Afterwards 6 other members of the same family came from across the country to join in the attempts to hurt her, her daughter, and as an afterthought me…all the while emailing me endlessly about how it was my fault…it was all because of me…etc.

That was resolved and members of the woman’s family preyed on my fragile and guilt ridden state and convinced me that the BEST thing I could do would be to marry her, to keep her safe and because I OWED her something nice after all the shit that happened just because she knew me. I said it wasn’t a good idea, that I didn’t love this woman and I don’t think it will be good in the end. But I caved and we got married. I would have left at the wedding if somebody…anybody would have said I could. Not my family, not her family, not my friends. I was ALONE and not in love with the woman I was about to marry, who I barely knew and I was the only one who seemed to care about that.

It took me 3 years before I consented to Therapy. I quit performing. I got a day job. I was doing EVERYTHING everybody else wanted me to do…. NOTHING I wanted to do.

I moved us to {city} for two reasons: The lower cost of living would allow me to LEAVE, and because we where still being harassed on occasion by ANOTHER source.

In OCTOBER of last year, I announced that I was leaving, I wanted to live my life again, have a loving relationship with someone, be the Independent and Confidant man I had not been for years. Finances and the crumbling housing market put that on hold and I remained in the house. One month ago I was about to put a deposit on an apartment, had the money, two checks in hand ready to go MONDAY, only to receive a set of Violent Death threats via email again. SO the last month I have AGAIN shelved my own desires to protect my family.

These things are all true. They are also things I DON’T tell anybody. I don’t tell you to get support, or pity, or to win favor with you…I do it to shed a little light on the following paragraphs:

I never wanted to be married, have never wanted to remain married and often choose not to acknowledge that I am. Both due to the sensitive fact that people have used my wife as a tool to do me harm, and due to the fact that I prefer my life without that stigma. People treat me differently. People assume that MY marriage is the EXACT same, lived by the same rules, by the same social code as theirs will be/is. SO I don’t talk about it. I hide it. I am MORE myself without it. I am the man I want to be without that part of my life exposed.

I don’t deal with it well. I don’t know who to tell an who not to. I don’t mean to deceive. I am selfish and dishonest. I am also filled with feelings I cannot share or show.

Yea. I didn’t tell you. I have no GOOD excuse. My only justification is that I wanted you to be my friend, to like me, to be attracted to me the way I WANT to be, rather than the way I am. It was selfish of me and that just sucks. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to deal with it!

I am EVERY day trying to resolve one issue or another. To move out. To keep everybody safe. etc.

You have a right to be hurt and mad, and your going to do whatever you want to do.

I can’t be the guy YOU want me to be too. I am just this guy, right here, who values your friendships, your flirtations, and cares about you. I fuck up. You don't have to cut me any slack. I meant no disrespect, although I realize and am filled with self disappointment about my obvious lack of respect for this issue to you.

I have no way to end this email.

I don't know that there is anything I need to say about this message. It really stands on it's own, so I will just leave it at that.

Introducing Mr. Bad-boy

Continuing with the trend of insulting messages, I'd like you all to meet Mr. Bad-boy. His profile doesn't make him sound like too much of a jerk. Maybe a bit of a tool, but nothing major. Here's a snippet:

{I} consider myself a down to earth kind of guy who looks for the positives in everybody and every situation. I'm looking for a woman with a heart as big as mine and is honest, to share the same experinces and values that I share.

He's another who has clearly been reading too much from Erik von Markovik and is failing miserably at his tactics.

I think your butt ugly with an attitude. If I was out and saw you I would make you buy me a drink. Tag your it, what you got?

What a bad ass you are! And I'm so glad to see those skills of attempting to find the "positives" in everyone are being put to good use.

Is it sad that the first thing I noticed in this message was the use of "your" instead of the (correct) use of "you're"? Twice?

At least his spelling and punctuation is better than most, though it still leave much to be desired.

Again, I couldn't help but whip up a quick tongue lashing for this guy. I'm really hoping he finds the balls to respond.

Take My Load

Mr. Asshole is really pushing it. He's already back for more:

oh yes you are fisty my little whore.on your knees bitch,suck me now.take my load.

It's rare for me to be left speechless. Quite rare.

I was just about to find my tongue and fire off a rude response, when I noticed that his account has been deactivated. He must of been harassing other women who reported him. Dammit, girls. Why do you have to steal all my fun?

A bit of profile scanning -- prior to the account deactivation -- revealed that Mr. Asshole is some 40-something year old man who life does not appear to have been terribly kind to. He also lists himself as "Christian" on his profile, and uses a quote from the bible to suggest that he is an "Adam" searching for his "Eve". What would Jesus do, you old fuck?